Anxious? Avoidant? Secure? How to Recognize and Work With Your Attachment Style
Disclaimer: This blog is intended for general information and education only. It does not constitute psychotherapy or counselling services. The goal is to provide information that may help readers make informed choices about their well-being. None of the content is intended to persuade or guarantee specific outcomes. For individualized care, please consult with a qualified mental health professional.Have you ever wondered why you react the way you do in relationships? Why some people crave closeness while others pull away? Or why secure partners seem to handle emotional challenges with a sense of calm?
That’s the power of attachment styles — the patterns we develop early in life that shape how we connect, love, and respond to intimacy.
But here’s something important to remember:
Your attachment style is not a fixed label.
You are not one type forever.
Understanding your patterns can empower you to respond differently — with more awareness and compassion.
You’re Not Just One Attachment Style — And That’s Okay
Attachment styles aren’t rigid categories. They’re tendencies that can shift based on context, relationships, and personal growth.
You might:
Lean anxious with one partner and more avoidant with another
Feel secure in some settings and triggered in others
Notice your patterns evolve as you build self-awareness or work through past experiences
Understanding your attachment style is about noticing your patterns — not judging yourself. It gives you tools to relate more consciously in your connections with others and with yourself.
The 3 Main Attachment Styles (and How to Recognize Yours)
1️⃣ Anxious Attachment: “Do you still love me?”
Common traits:
Strong need for closeness and reassurance
Fear of abandonment or being “too much”
Difficulty setting boundaries
Emotional highs and lows in relationships
💡 What can help:
A partner who communicates clearly and shows emotional availability
Consistency between words and actions
Space to express feelings without fear of disconnection
🧠 Inner work to support you:
Self-soothing: Pause and ask, “What am I afraid of? What can I offer myself right now?”
Self-talk: “I’m still okay even if someone isn’t immediately available.”
Expand your circle: Build multiple sources of support beyond your partner.
2️⃣ Avoidant Attachment: “I need space.”
Common traits:
High value on independence and autonomy
Feeling overwhelmed by emotional closeness
Difficulty expressing needs or vulnerability
Pulling away in conflict
💡 What can help:
A partner who respects your need for space without making it personal
Emotional safety without pressure
Calm, direct communication
🧠 Inner work to support you:
Regulate before retreating: Try, “Can I take a pause and revisit this conversation later?”
Redefine vulnerability: It’s okay to start small. Sharing doesn’t mean losing control.
Name what you feel: Journaling or therapy can help build emotional vocabulary.
3️⃣ Secure Attachment: “I can handle this.”
Common traits:
Comfort with both closeness and independence
Direct, respectful communication
Emotional resilience in conflict
Trust in both the relationship and oneself
💡 What secure people tend to do:
Notice their reactions and respond intentionally
Communicate needs without fear of rejection
Maintain connection without overdependence
🧠 Moving toward secure attachment:
Recognize your triggers without self-blame
Develop tools to self-regulate before reacting
Seek relationships that reinforce emotional safety and growth
How to Work With Your Attachment Style
You don’t need to "fix" yourself. The goal is to work with your patterns so you can meet your emotional needs in ways that feel healthier and more grounded.
💛 If you lean anxious:
Practice staying with discomfort instead of rushing for reassurance
Remind yourself: “Closeness grows over time, not just in constant contact”
Use mindfulness, journaling, or movement to self-soothe
💙 If you lean avoidant:
Stay present during emotional tension rather than withdrawing
Remember: “Needing others doesn’t make me weak”
Start by naming one emotion before expressing it fully
💚 If you’re building secure habits:
Know that security is a practice, not perfection
Build self-trust by noticing emotional waves and choosing thoughtful responses
Find relationships that support your growth and self-awareness
Final Thoughts: Awareness Creates Possibility
Your attachment style reflects how you've learned to stay safe in relationships. It’s not a flaw — it’s a map.
The more you understand your patterns, the more choice you have. And the more you practice self-compassion, the easier it becomes to connect in ways that feel balanced and supportive.
You don’t have to change everything overnight. Small, consistent shifts in how you relate to yourself and others can lead to meaningful growth.
Curious to Explore Your Attachment Style in Therapy?
At Canopy Psychotherapy Centre, we support individuals and couples in exploring relationship patterns, emotional dynamics, and attachment-based healing. If you're interested in deepening self-understanding or finding new ways to connect, we offer a free 20-minute consultation to help you decide if we’re the right fit.
You don’t have to navigate this alone. We’re here when you’re ready.
